It’s crazy how in the span of 24 hours you can go from anticipating the best day of your life, to experiencing the worst. Life can change in an instant and we unfortunately don’t realize how important cherishing every moment and living life to the fullest is until then. It’s a reminder to hold back on looking at our phones every minute, stop mindlessly scrolling Instagram all the time comparing ourselves and our lives to others, and most importantly live in the NOW. It might sound cliché, but it took something so unimaginably devastating and horrific happening to me to realize what that means.
I wake up crying and cry throughout the entire day until it’s time for me to go to bed. This has been so hard for me. As someone who lives with anxiety and depression, this is the lowest I have ever been. To be honest, I didn’t even know there was a low as low as this one.
My husband is incredible and we are both trying our very best to get through this together. He has a much better outlook on this than I do, but everyone grieves differently. He said something so wise to me the other day,
“How can I sit at home and not LIVE my life and keep living when the whole reason we feel this sadness is because Sloane wasn’t able to live. We have to live for Sloane, her life was taken away from her, but ours wasn’t.”
I juggle between sad, mad, angry, self-blame, to why me all day long – it never stops in my head.
I know that it will get easier with time. She will always be in my heart and I will never ever forget her. I’ll learn to cope and live life. But right now, it’s impossible to see that light at the end of the tunnel.
Sometimes I wish it was me instead of her which seems so unfair to say, especially to my amazing husband who I love so damn much. But this pain of losing a child who you carried for 9 months who took their last breath in your arms is unbearable. I got to see her for 10 minutes, 10 full minutes, after waiting 9 months to see and hold my beautiful daughter who took her last breath in my arms. How can I ever get through this? I wonder every second of every day.
I know life will get better and I will hopefully have more babies, but they won’t be Sloane. Even though I have SO many people around me and supporting me, I feel so alone. It’s impossible to feel anything else. Everyone around me is either pregnant or having babies and all I can think is why me? My hope is that someone who has gone through this type of loss will find comfort in knowing their feelings are real and they are not alone.
I don’t want to get into detail of how this even happened because the story is truly traumatizing and one that I don’t think anybody should ever have to hear about.
The whole reason I’m sharing this story is to hopefully let others know they are not alone and to open up about what happened to me. So many women go through loss, miscarriages, infertility, whatever it may be, and don’t feel comfortable sharing. To me, telling my story is therapeutic and my hope is that I can give someone else the strength to tell theirs.
Wearing The Sunday Sweatshirt is the perfect reminder that I'm not alone and gave me the courage to tell my story. If I can help even ONE person, it is worth sharing.